AUDITIONS!

How to navigate your way through the minefield of auditions for various shows (as always, my tongue is firmly in my cheek).

 

The Voice: To succeed, you must riff manically between chest voice and falsetto. Look unattractive. Twang if you want Jessie, chest belt if you want Tom, sing breathily if you want Danny, say how much you love your mam if you want Will.

 

Britains Got Talent: Be bendy, have a dog, or a special need. 

 

X factor: Tell them your granddad died (they don’t seem to understand that everyone’s granddad dies eventually and will put you through to boot camp immediately).

 

Les Miserable: Sing with a slack jaw, low larynx, and slow vibrato (think: someone experimenting with clutch control on a new car).  

 

Other classical musical theatre shows: Sing from your pharynx. Think Katherine Jenkins. But with more sincerity.

 

Mamma Mia – Get a spray tan.  Smile a lot. Hide the break between your chest voice and falsetto by ‘mixing.’ Don’t sing with any vibrato and don’t riff. Practise your back bend and your pirouette (both are in the audition choreography, despite it ‘not being a dancer’s show’). 

 

Function band: you need to be able to look like a girl but talk with the boys, have the legs for a little black dress but the arms to carry a Marshall amp. You’ll need to be able to sing 30 songs a night without double tracking. Don’t even bother auditioning if you don’t like Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher and Higher’-you’ll spend your entire working life singing it.

 

Bill Kenwright Shows: Be graceful during your audition. If you’re clumsy you’ll knock the set over (and he’ll be needing that for his next show. Whatever it is). Do a cockney accent. Play an instrument. 

 

A ‘devised’ piece: You will have to do teddy bear rolls in this audition, and then nod convincingly while the panel spout pretentious shite about ‘the process.’ If you get the job, be prepared to spend lots of rehearsal time chatting and rolling around on a dirty floor.

 

Schools Tours: Before the audition, practise catching a ball – you will spend half the audition playing ball games. You will also need to do lots of different accents and show a full, clean driving license. This audition will last HOURS so take a packed lunch. If you get this job you will spend 70 per cent of your free time in travel lodges. The other 30 per cent you’ll be in a van. 

 

Cruise ship SINGING auditions: Throw the entire contents of your make up bag at your face. Wear a Lycra dress. Sing an Andrew Lloyd Webber number for your ballad and something by Aretha for your uptempo. In the audition, EVERYone else will be ‘warming up’ by doing scales & sirening. Take TWO packed lunches to this one. And possibly a sleeping bag.

 

Cruise ship DANCE auditions: Throw the entire contents of your make up bag at your face. Wear a bra and knickers. Intimidate everyone else by sitting in the splits for 3 hours in the waiting room. Once in the audition room, push your way to the front.

 

Adverts: Take THREE packed lunches to this one. You’ll wait for hours in a room full of people who are thinner, prettier versions of you. Then you’ll say your name to camera, turn to the right, turn to the left, show them your hands and leave. You will never hear from them again.

 

Pop band: Get a spray tan, stick some hair extensions in, wear false eyelashes. If you have the legs for it, wear hot pants. If you don’t, don’t bother auditioning. Also, if you look over 22, skip this one. If you’re still determined to go, sing like Pixie Lott – think ‘Les Mis’ slow vibrato but ‘We Will Rock You’ raspiness.

 

Wicked: Tilt your larynx and sing through your nose. You may want to paint yourself green to really improve your chances.

 

We Will Rock You: Customise a T-shirt with rips and safety pins, and sing like Bonnie Tyler. 

 

Independent Film: Read the script and tell the writer ‘how layered’ you think the piece is. You’ll then get the job, but be prepared to perform a nude scene and work for free. Plus, that copy of the film they promise you for your show reel? You ain’t never getting that. Every time someone tags you in a photo on facebook from then on, you will be filled with dread that it could be that freeze frame of you on all fours.

 

Hopefully, this has put a smile on some poor,  knowing actor’s face somewhere. If I’ve missed out any audition styles you’d like me to add, let me know….

 

Thank you,

 

Kelly xxxx

 

Copyright Kelly Rickard April 2013