Why I’ll Never Be A Chick Lit Heroine

Why I’ll Never Be a Chick Lit Heroine

There are some fantastic female writers out there, @lisajewelluk and @MarianKeyes being two of my favourites. But there are also some not so fantastic female writers out there, (possibly unwittingly) lying to themselves and us, their female market, about what to expect out of life. Here’s why I would never be cast as a character in one of their novels.

Chick Lit Lie: The main woman always puts on a slick of lip gloss and some mascara and she’s good to go.
Kelly Truth: If I go out with just mascara and a slick of lipgloss on, I spend the entire day being asked if I have the flu.

Chick Lit Lie: She has no idea that she’s beautiful but at least two men fancy her.
Kelly Truth: I could count on one hand the amount of men that have really, truly fancied me (as opposed to the ‘I might, if she begged’ fancying kind). And they never come along in twos.

Chick Lit Lie: She’s hardly ever in work but somehow manages to afford a Burberry bag, Manolo Blahnik heels and a cashmere jumper.
Kelly Truth: I spend my life in work and I couldn’t tell you the last time I bought something that was over £10.

Chick Lit Lie: When she is in work she spends the entire time flirting with her sexy, stubbly male boss or exchanging hilarious emails with her best friend.
Kelly Truth: All of my bosses are female (hooray!). And there ain’t no time for emailing when you’ve got 28 teenagers waiting for you to teach them, or a 150 drunk wedding guests waiting to be entertained…

Chick Lit Lie: She gets depressed for a chapter and loses weight WITHOUT NOTICING (no actual human woman ever loses weight without noticing). And it’s always just in time for the conference/ball/wedding/ bumping into her ex moment.
Kelly Truth: Last time I had a Bumping Into an Ex Moment – I was hungover, wearing no make up, had leaked a bottle of water all over my crotch, had a spot that had just pussed all over my chin, and was crying after an argument with a friend. Bet he was dying to ask me back though…

Chick Lit Lie: She has an amazing best friend who is funny, quirky, supportive and available 24 hours a day.
Kelly Truth: Actually I do have some pretty amazing friends but I’m lucky if I get to spend 24 hours a YEAR with them.

Chick Lit Lie: She also has an amazing gay best friend who is funny, quirky, good with make up and available 24 hours a day.
Kelly Truth: Actually this is the one point on which I beat Protagonist girl. I am an actor so I have LOADS of gay friends. Both in and out of the closet. So there.

Chick Lit Lie: The sheer amount of TIME she has. Always meeting friends for coffees, having hours of sex with handsome strangers, having long, languid morning afters with handsome strangers, visiting department stores, going to gigs and after-show parties, beauty salons and cocktail bars, writing articles and taking mini breaks in Paris.
Kelly Truth: I have 3 jobs and a band. I’m lucky if I manage to fit sleep in, let alone anything else.

Chick Lit Lie: The leading man is always a foot taller than her and she loves it.
Kelly Truth: As someone whose 5ft 2 I’ve been out with plenty of men who are a foot taller than me. It’s fine – as long as you’re content with a permanent crick in your neck.

Chick Lit Lie: The leading man always has a perfectly toned body but never goes to the gym.
Kelly Truth: If you actually want a man with a perfectly muscly, inverted triangle of a torso, be prepared to spend LOTS of time on your own whilst he’s at the gym, and the rest of the time being bored out of your brain while he talks about the gym.

Chick Lit Lie: The leading man is invariably the Head of the Corporation in the city of London, but still has his regional accent.
Kelly Truth: There has NEVER been a successful Head of a Corporation in London who still has an Irish/Northern/Welsh accent. They’ve all had it battered out of them by the Old Boy’s Network (I could have said something a lot worse here…) .

Chick Lit Lie: Even though he’s a millionaire Head of Corporation type, he always has time for the girl: meeting her for lunch, whisking her away on mini breaks. To Paris.
Kelly Truth: Hugely successful men have reached such a status by making work their priority. You will never be top of this man’s list. Besides, his commute alone takes him two hours-the poor little soul will be sleeping in your lap before you’ve even had a chance to get the Paris brochure out.

Chick Lit Lie: He’s amazing at ‘dirty talk.’
Kelly Truth: It is impossible for a man to be good at talking dirty, until we re-write the names for female body parts. Boobs: Too Page 3. Breasts: something that lies frozen and dismembered at the bottom of your freezer. T/ts: Too full of consonants and sweary. And don’t get me started on the plethora of names for the other bit.

Chick Lit Lie: And as for the sex, well… The man never wears a condom but she remains totally STD-free and never falls pregnant. There’s no mention of how she takes care of her lady garden but its always, miraculously, a perfect landing strip (even though the sex was completely unexpected). He’s a Derren Brown in the bedroom, hypnotising her with his hips, making her come and go like the ebbing and flowing of the sea: he’s a veritable sex magician. And the acrobatic prowess she and he display together! He can lift her up against a wall whilst also managing to have both hands in her hair.
Kelly Truth: if a man managed to hold me up against a wall with just his hips, I’d ruin the moment by slipping down the wall in shock and telling him he should go on Britain’s Got Talent.

And that is why I shall never be a chick lit heroine. Sigh.

(As always, don’t take anything I say too seriously. I never do.)

Kelly Rickard xxx
Copyright April 2013.

AUDITIONS!

AUDITIONS!.

AUDITIONS!

How to navigate your way through the minefield of auditions for various shows (as always, my tongue is firmly in my cheek).

 

The Voice: To succeed, you must riff manically between chest voice and falsetto. Look unattractive. Twang if you want Jessie, chest belt if you want Tom, sing breathily if you want Danny, say how much you love your mam if you want Will.

 

Britains Got Talent: Be bendy, have a dog, or a special need. 

 

X factor: Tell them your granddad died (they don’t seem to understand that everyone’s granddad dies eventually and will put you through to boot camp immediately).

 

Les Miserable: Sing with a slack jaw, low larynx, and slow vibrato (think: someone experimenting with clutch control on a new car).  

 

Other classical musical theatre shows: Sing from your pharynx. Think Katherine Jenkins. But with more sincerity.

 

Mamma Mia – Get a spray tan.  Smile a lot. Hide the break between your chest voice and falsetto by ‘mixing.’ Don’t sing with any vibrato and don’t riff. Practise your back bend and your pirouette (both are in the audition choreography, despite it ‘not being a dancer’s show’). 

 

Function band: you need to be able to look like a girl but talk with the boys, have the legs for a little black dress but the arms to carry a Marshall amp. You’ll need to be able to sing 30 songs a night without double tracking. Don’t even bother auditioning if you don’t like Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher and Higher’-you’ll spend your entire working life singing it.

 

Bill Kenwright Shows: Be graceful during your audition. If you’re clumsy you’ll knock the set over (and he’ll be needing that for his next show. Whatever it is). Do a cockney accent. Play an instrument. 

 

A ‘devised’ piece: You will have to do teddy bear rolls in this audition, and then nod convincingly while the panel spout pretentious shite about ‘the process.’ If you get the job, be prepared to spend lots of rehearsal time chatting and rolling around on a dirty floor.

 

Schools Tours: Before the audition, practise catching a ball – you will spend half the audition playing ball games. You will also need to do lots of different accents and show a full, clean driving license. This audition will last HOURS so take a packed lunch. If you get this job you will spend 70 per cent of your free time in travel lodges. The other 30 per cent you’ll be in a van. 

 

Cruise ship SINGING auditions: Throw the entire contents of your make up bag at your face. Wear a Lycra dress. Sing an Andrew Lloyd Webber number for your ballad and something by Aretha for your uptempo. In the audition, EVERYone else will be ‘warming up’ by doing scales & sirening. Take TWO packed lunches to this one. And possibly a sleeping bag.

 

Cruise ship DANCE auditions: Throw the entire contents of your make up bag at your face. Wear a bra and knickers. Intimidate everyone else by sitting in the splits for 3 hours in the waiting room. Once in the audition room, push your way to the front.

 

Adverts: Take THREE packed lunches to this one. You’ll wait for hours in a room full of people who are thinner, prettier versions of you. Then you’ll say your name to camera, turn to the right, turn to the left, show them your hands and leave. You will never hear from them again.

 

Pop band: Get a spray tan, stick some hair extensions in, wear false eyelashes. If you have the legs for it, wear hot pants. If you don’t, don’t bother auditioning. Also, if you look over 22, skip this one. If you’re still determined to go, sing like Pixie Lott – think ‘Les Mis’ slow vibrato but ‘We Will Rock You’ raspiness.

 

Wicked: Tilt your larynx and sing through your nose. You may want to paint yourself green to really improve your chances.

 

We Will Rock You: Customise a T-shirt with rips and safety pins, and sing like Bonnie Tyler. 

 

Independent Film: Read the script and tell the writer ‘how layered’ you think the piece is. You’ll then get the job, but be prepared to perform a nude scene and work for free. Plus, that copy of the film they promise you for your show reel? You ain’t never getting that. Every time someone tags you in a photo on facebook from then on, you will be filled with dread that it could be that freeze frame of you on all fours.

 

Hopefully, this has put a smile on some poor,  knowing actor’s face somewhere. If I’ve missed out any audition styles you’d like me to add, let me know….

 

Thank you,

 

Kelly xxxx

 

Copyright Kelly Rickard April 2013